I have recently been reading and listening to a CD of a woman called Byron Katie. Byron Katie is a woman that has a series of four questions. Those four questions characterize what she calls "The Work." They are made to help you grow past your shortcomings. They are made to help you get better, deal with some of the anxiety that you may have in your life. I've been in this mood where I want to improve and I want to apply these four questions to my particular situation.
Now just for the sake of discussion I won't bore you with the method that I take and the route I took in coming to my conclusions, but the four questions are: 1) Is that true? 2) Can you be absolutely sure that is true? 3) What is your reaction to that particular thought? How does it make you feel? 4) Who would you be, what would you be, if you did not have that thought? Finally, she has something called "The Turnaround." "The Turnaround" is really a nice little move because it causes you to evaluate yourself with the same assessment that you evaluate somebody else. Oftentimes you'll find how you think somebody is feeling about you is how you are really feeling about them. For instance, you might think somebody is a racist, but in point of fact, you're the one that's the racist.
On with my story. My friend was sharing with me how she was in the company of some people who were different races from she and different races from I. They were, shall we say, taking my personal inventory. She decided that since her and I were the same race, there was no way she was going to allow them to speak badly about me, so she called them on it. She told them, "No, you don't know him. He is a great guy and I don't know what your problem is with him." Other people in the company also assessed me as being a pretty decent individual. For this I felt really, really special as she's telling me this story.
Being a person who is attuned to the complaints of racism and the assignment of racist attitudes, it was very easy for me to think that even though she was defending me and even though she was showing her like for me by telling me about this, she was being racist. Now, was she being racist or wasn't she being racist? Like all complaints of racism, there's no way we can know. Because unless we can read someone's mind, we don't know what motivated them to do things. Racism is a characterization of somebody's action.
For the sake of discussion, let's say she may or may have not been racist, which is beside the point. What we're talking about is my assessment. When I applied the questions that Byron Katie talks about: Is that true? How do you know that's true? What's your reaction when you hear this thought? Who would you be if you didn't have this thought? ... As you read this blog, understand that over the years I have had some self-esteem challenges. I have been accused of not loving myself and not caring for myself and not treating myself properly, and enduring abuse that I didn't have to. Those days I believed were far behind me.
Upon closer inspection, after applying "The Work" that Byron Katie talks about, it seems to me that I was cheapening myself once again. Because you know what? She didn't have to be a racist. I wanted to blame her for being racist when in fact, the way I looked at it was indeed racist. It did not matter what color I or she was. What really mattered was that found a reason to hold me in high regard. Were the race overtones not present, she would have found some other reason that I was a good guy. Because my skin color is only a part of me. Imagine my being another color, the same attributes I now have would still be present and I would characterized as a decent guy. The real way to look at it is that no matter what color I was and no matter what color she was, she would have defended me. She would have defended me for whatever reason that she could muster up about why I was a great guy.
As you go about your life being an extraordinary coach and helping people get over their obstacles and getting over your own obstacles, please be present to the fact that nothing has any meaning that you didn't give to it. Whenever you assess a particular thing as being a certain way, don't lose sight of the fact that it is your mindset that's causing you to see it that way. If all else fails and your assessment gives you pause or causes you to feel anxious, than remember Byron Katie. That's Byron, B-Y-R-O-N K-A-T-I-E. Remember Byron Katie and her four questions that she calls "The Work."
Now if it's blog has helped you in any way, shape, form, or fashion, or if somebody you know could benefit from it, I would love for you to pass it on to them and continue following this blog. I end this blog like I end all of my blogs, in the very same fashion, which is I encourage you to have yourself a good time until the next time.
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