Coaches’ Corner~Words

The words we say act as seed that grows results in our lives.  If your clients find themselves criticizing anything at all, it is your job to make them present to the destructive nature of what is uttered.  Sometimes we see injustice and for some reason are forced to speak on it as a means to  “Let the world know” what is going on but I say we ought to let the world know the strengths we or our clients bring to the table.  Social media has become a panacea for grievances to be aired and some have taken to criticizing those that air their complaints.  I submit that to complain about others complaining is in itself complaining which may not be any better.  What we say creates an environment in our mindset that reproduces.  You may have heard that this strategy is akin to putting one’s head in the sand and ignoring reality.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Every misery that you see, does not have to be commented on.  Some of it elicits certain feelings that one cannot ignore.  One of the reasons we speak up is that we have to.  In our personal relationships, we speak to let someone know we do not appreciate being treated a certain way.  We speak to get what we want.  We also speak to promote ourselves and our agenda but no matter when we speak, there is some kind of emotion present.  When responding to conflict, we must be present to the fact that our words impact the listener even though we are speaking for our own good.  Benjamin Franklin once said to write a note when you are angry and mail it in three days.  I was an adult when I got the gist of this because the importance and the ease of using words do not even compare to what the words do years later.  And you cannot take them back.  You might think you a giving a person a “piece of my mind” and in fact you could use that piece for something else later if you kept it for the 3 days that Franklin is talking about.  In fact, you might decide that you don’t need that word after that time and tear up the note which usually happens to me.

The emotions we feel during our lives are indeed important and ought not be ignored.  Using words to express these emotions have been over used in the past and telling them to another person is more like over-controlling behavior that anything else.  Over-controlling tendencies are destructive while expressive one’s self is necessary.  But expecting someone to do something because of an emotion that you have is immature.  It is up to you to control your own emotions so here is what I do and suggest for you.  Whenever some words that I hear drum up negative emotions, and you know what I mean, I write them down immediately.  I even find a quiet place and say them just as if I was talking to the person who said the offending words.  Rather than expecting them to do something different, they don’t even hear what I say.  The first thing is say is how the words hurt.  And I really get into it.  I scream, I cry, and I let fly all of the pain that was caused….cause emotions always go away unless you resist them.  I then finish with saying that I forgive them.  And the odd thing is that when I see them again, I feel nothing like I initially felt.  I am much more effective in my life when I do not hurt myself or others.  To respond to painful words with painful words of my own is to prolong the hurt and often puts the others in a place that forces the less sophisticated to respond in kind.

It does not take any training at all to let fly all the vitriol associated with being hurt by words and that vitriol poisons the character of the person you want to be.  it does take training to do the opposite and anything that requires training is taking the higher road.  And consider that the words were not meant to hurt you anyway and you will find less toxic words emitting from your own mouth.  Most unfriendly words come from someone not being able to control their own emotions even when they are criticizing something that needs criticizing.  Keep in mind that criticizing something you have no control over is simply poisoning your own soul and adding insult to injury.