Coaches’ Corner~Oops

Even a person like myself who coaches can be saddled with the shortfalls associated with buying his own story.  Keep in mind that the story I am referring to is the “likely story” that we all tell ourselves that explain away our misgivings, failures and excuses for not  having what we say we want in our lives.  Recently, I was made aware of a story involving Marshawn Lynch, a professional football player who was reluctant to be interviewed before the greatest sports event this year, the LXVIV Super Bowl.  He took the position of repeating the same phrase over and over, “I’m just here because I don’t want to get fined…I’m just here because I don’t want to get fined.”  This translated as something unacceptable to me and because of my predisposition, I was very quick to criticize him.  There was no consideration of the motivation that made him do it and there was no sympathy.  My story had guided me and took me to a place that did not serve me at all. It turns out that there was a good reason for his actions and mostly it was his own story.

What about the reporters who consistently asked him questions after it was clear he was not going to answer them?  What about his skill as a public speaker being in question?  There is a number of things that could have been responsible for his behavior and only one thing responsible for my criticism and that was my story.  Have you considered that your story may be impacting how you see things?  While you are looking at others and passing judgement, have you even thought that you are the one passing judgment?  As a coach it is critical to remember that it is your job to bring an outside objective opinion to your clients’ situation and that means you must always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  When you cease giving the benefit of the doubt, you set up a chance for your client’s expectation to deteriorate.  A determinant of one’s result that is often ignored is their expectation.  In an odd sort of a way, falling prey to judging based on your own story hurts your client way more than it even helps you.  Certainly you can be more considerate when you learn more about any situation, I generally prefer to habitually give the benefit of the doubt primarily because it helps me elevate my expectations.  To make it a little clear, consider the following story.

As Jane sat on the train, she noticed this man seemingly sitting catatonic while three or four children ran around the train car seeming as though they were on a playground.  The man just sat there and did nothing!  Jane had taken all she could and had begun justifying her indignation in her own mind.  She remembers how strict her parents were and she was thinking that there is no way she and her siblings would get away with such behavior.  She clearly knew that these children had no home training.  When she could take it no more, she blurted out to the man, “Sir, why don’t you teach your kids more manners.  Don’t you know there are people on this train they are bothering?”  The man apologetically stated that he was sorry.  They had just left the hospital where their mother just died and, “I was in deep thought planning the funeral and I guess the children are dealing with it the best they can,” he said.  At that point Jane felt so bad, she got off the train at that very stop even though it was not her stop. 

Everyone has a story and in that story, they are usually fighting a battle of some kind.  Make your story one of helping others and your being sufficient for all your own needs.  Make your story the one where you show up wherever you are in love and eliminate the judgment.  You will be a much more effective coach as a result and that leads to a better business for you and moves you further along your journey to being an extraordinary coach.

Coaches’ Corner~Words

The words we say act as seed that grows results in our lives.  If your clients find themselves criticizing anything at all, it is your job to make them present to the destructive nature of what is uttered.  Sometimes we see injustice and for some reason are forced to speak on it as a means to  “Let the world know” what is going on but I say we ought to let the world know the strengths we or our clients bring to the table.  Social media has become a panacea for grievances to be aired and some have taken to criticizing those that air their complaints.  I submit that to complain about others complaining is in itself complaining which may not be any better.  What we say creates an environment in our mindset that reproduces.  You may have heard that this strategy is akin to putting one’s head in the sand and ignoring reality.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Every misery that you see, does not have to be commented on.  Some of it elicits certain feelings that one cannot ignore.  One of the reasons we speak up is that we have to.  In our personal relationships, we speak to let someone know we do not appreciate being treated a certain way.  We speak to get what we want.  We also speak to promote ourselves and our agenda but no matter when we speak, there is some kind of emotion present.  When responding to conflict, we must be present to the fact that our words impact the listener even though we are speaking for our own good.  Benjamin Franklin once said to write a note when you are angry and mail it in three days.  I was an adult when I got the gist of this because the importance and the ease of using words do not even compare to what the words do years later.  And you cannot take them back.  You might think you a giving a person a “piece of my mind” and in fact you could use that piece for something else later if you kept it for the 3 days that Franklin is talking about.  In fact, you might decide that you don’t need that word after that time and tear up the note which usually happens to me.

The emotions we feel during our lives are indeed important and ought not be ignored.  Using words to express these emotions have been over used in the past and telling them to another person is more like over-controlling behavior that anything else.  Over-controlling tendencies are destructive while expressive one’s self is necessary.  But expecting someone to do something because of an emotion that you have is immature.  It is up to you to control your own emotions so here is what I do and suggest for you.  Whenever some words that I hear drum up negative emotions, and you know what I mean, I write them down immediately.  I even find a quiet place and say them just as if I was talking to the person who said the offending words.  Rather than expecting them to do something different, they don’t even hear what I say.  The first thing is say is how the words hurt.  And I really get into it.  I scream, I cry, and I let fly all of the pain that was caused….cause emotions always go away unless you resist them.  I then finish with saying that I forgive them.  And the odd thing is that when I see them again, I feel nothing like I initially felt.  I am much more effective in my life when I do not hurt myself or others.  To respond to painful words with painful words of my own is to prolong the hurt and often puts the others in a place that forces the less sophisticated to respond in kind.

It does not take any training at all to let fly all the vitriol associated with being hurt by words and that vitriol poisons the character of the person you want to be.  it does take training to do the opposite and anything that requires training is taking the higher road.  And consider that the words were not meant to hurt you anyway and you will find less toxic words emitting from your own mouth.  Most unfriendly words come from someone not being able to control their own emotions even when they are criticizing something that needs criticizing.  Keep in mind that criticizing something you have no control over is simply poisoning your own soul and adding insult to injury.

Coaches' Corner~Improvement

The idea of a never-ending improvement looms high in the life of a coach.  Once you have seen improvement, you want more improvement.  You will never get to a place when you can stand pat and rest on your laurels.  We always want more money.  We want more love in our lives if we even have any at all.  It is the idea of improvement that drives us and having a new thing really makes us feel worthy.  The more sophisticated we are, the more sophisticated we want to be.  Like you, I find elaborate ways to feel good about myself and when I find one that works, I want another.  It does not have to be all that complicated but I must repeat the cycle that ends with me feeling a little better about me.  I recently shed a lot of weight and boy did I feel good about that!  Shedding weight brought with it some capabilities that I could only dream of.  I could pick up my keys when I dropped them using my thumb and the rest of my fingers.  Bending that extra millimeter or so that it took to use my thumb used to be so hard.  I could now get into my car without sitting in the seat sideways as I did when I was obese.  I could even sit at a booth in a restaurant without having my stomach pressed uncomfortably against the table.  Being able to speak on the telephone without hearing myself breath was eclipse by an ability to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.  It is that milestone I want to blog about today.

I was quite proud of myself for being in great enough shape to climb those stairs so easily and it has now been about 6 months since I lost the weight.  You would think I would be used to it by now but each time I did it, I found myself smiling at the top of the stairs because my breathing remained easy.  I had seen others take the elevator and people younger than I had a hard time with the task.  You can bet I felt great every time I saw that.  As far as I was concerned, I had really arrived.  The fact that I still needed to lose weight always escaped and for the purpose of this blog, I was leaving money on the table by resting on my laurels.  Then one day I was taking the stairs with a person who was eighteen years old.  Of course I expected him to have no trouble with the stairs.  I envisioned he and I walking up the stairs together conversing just like we converse walking on level ground.  Walk briskly up the stairs, he did.  Not only did he walk briskly up the stairs, he bolted up the stairs!  Not only did he bolt up the stairs, but he bolted up the stairs two at a time and was at the top of the stairs by the time I had taken 3 steps!  I only thought I was satisfied until I saw what he could do.  I know I am not eighteen years old but I can do better than what I am doing.

There is a finite amount of knowledge in business coaching and the principles all work the same.  How is it then, that some coaches are starving and others are making as much as $25,000 per month?  It is because the rest of are resting on our laurels making what we think is good enough.  Do I have the ability to take the stairs two-by-two?  You bet I have and the only reason I have not done it is that I chose to be happy with what I was doing.  Just as I have decided to up my game as far as physical fitness is concern, you can up your game as far as your fee is concerned.  Beginning today, you can raise your fees at least 10% and, of course, you are worth it.  If some clients cannot afford it, don’t worry, you will replace them.  The rule of the jungle is that for newness to arise, the old stuff has to move out.  The difference between you and the coach making $25,000 per client is that he asks for it.  Practice your new amount in the mirror and you will be amazed at how easily it comes when you ask your client for it.

Coaches' Corner~Linear

Coaches are often called to dispel notions that have persisted over many years in the hopes of improving the lives of their clients.  You may have had the opportunities to dispel some of those ideas yourself.  Network marketing is one area where myths abound and well-meaning consultants promote futile activity to unsuspecting prospects.  The old way of doing things have simply changed and in order to be successful, business people have to keep pace.  One such activity is making sales calls because many of those you are calling are themselves making sales calls and do not welcome yours or even answer their phones unless the recognize the number.  People often give you their phone numbers and simply do not answer their phones when you call.  You get discouraged after making so many calls and often give up.  Believe it or not, your clients are doing this every day and they need the guidance of an extraordinary coach to combat this phenomenon.  By the time a prospect gets to this point, they have actually connected with at least one valuable person that can bring several dollars to the company.  The person who introduced them to the company has long-since quit and reaps no benefit from introducing this true winner to the company.  You may get several clients just like this and similar to them, you must continue to get clients, keeping some, and losing others until you hit your stride and begin attracting the clients that will stay with you for a very long time.

You may have heard advice that include working backwards from the goal you have set.  For instance if you want to make 20 sales per month, ask yourself how many people do you need to talk to in order to get 20 sales?  How many people do you need to call to talk to the amount you need to end up with 20 sales?  If 20 sales per day is your goal, that is 5 per week, right?  And 5 per week is 1 per day, right?  You are familiar with these types of questions.  The fallacy is that your success is not linear.  You might be further told that you must make at least 100 phone calls and evaluate your percentages based on that.  Even though 100 is a good number,that is not an accurate predictor of your success.  As you evaluate your progress, it is very easy to get discouraged and stop trying altogether.  You do not have to be a weak-kneed, pamzy whamsy, milquetoast kind of individual to fall prey to this kind of effect, you simply can be an average person.  And neither do you have to be thick-skinned and superman-like to overcome this tendency either.  You need only be made aware of the existence of the fallacy.  When you examine the record, you will find that days before hitting it big, some persons had a “negative nothing” in their bank balance.  And as they grew their business, they did not earn $2,000 per month even though they finished the year at $24,000, which was their goal.

I am sure you know that Colonel Sanders died a multimillionaire even though his fortune begun at age 65.  Grandma Moses only started painting at age 90.  And who knows how much money Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have now or have made this year.  By the advice given to many, a net worth of $10,000,000 for the past ten years might mean they earned $1,000,000 per year for ten years.  The trouble is that the universe or God is not privy to your timetable and you will never get there if you quit.  Of all the processes that you know of, you can never say that the growth occurs on a linear timetable.  In fact, they most likely made nothing for the first 11 months and made $10,000,000 the last month.  Retailers say that December is their best month after working hard all year and that last month makes their.  Even a human being grows more during the first eighteen years of life than they do after that.  Forget the idea of evaluating your success in a linear way because you will surely quit before your time.

Stake out your goal and make sure it is big enough.  Make an effort to encourage yourself and never give up.  It is your belief in its accomplishment that makes your goal important.  If you have the faith that you can accomplish it, keep on keeping on.  Even though you are ninety percent along your way and only thirty percent toward you goal, keep on striving.  Napoleon Hill said in his book, “Think and Grow Rich,” that when success comes it will come so fast and in such a magnitude that you will wonder where it has been and what took it so long.  Does that sound like equal production month by month?  I don’t think so.  I believe his assessment is true and the key I give to you is to set a goal 10X what you think you want and keep your foot on the gas until the absolute last moment, then enjoy your success.  I encourage you to share the concept with your clients as they will need you more than ever.  When you release them from the bondage of ‘How far along are you in your goal?’ they will truly feel free to fail and to succeed which will help them brand you as an extraordinary coach.

As always, if this blog has helped you or gotten you farther along toward your goal, please share it with others.  I end this blog like all others when I say to you, have a good time until next time.

Coaches' Corner~Mindset

There is a lot of talk of mindset and this is never more crucial than in the coaching arena.  As a coach, much of what you do impacts your client’s mindset and in fact it has to.  If you cannot sign off on this simple concept and you do not have a coach, this is a clear indication that you need a coach.  And if you are a coach, your client can benefit from the introduction to the importance of their mindset.  Developing your methodology for coaching, understanding the need for coaching and setting the goals in your business are all influenced by the mindset.  With so much riding on the mindset, you would think there was a step by step process that one could adopt so that the “mindset” problem could be taken care of.  You have all heard a list of the top sales objections and how to eliminate them, haven’t you?  Well such a thing is not possible for the mindset as it is much more individualized and situational.

I find that I have a tendency to feel accused whenever someone does something other than put on the uniform, adorn the pom-poms and scream, “Go, Victor, Go…..Yeah!!!  Victor!”  And while the cheerleaders show up less frequently than I would like, I have conditioned my mind to turn the slightest compliment to make me feel like they did show up.  Quite often, though, the opposite happens.  I enjoy spirited conversation and I was having one with my friend, Carl, just the other day.  He was once again telling me about an experience he had and how he handled it.  It was not that big a deal but he was saying that he would not just “Roll over and wet himself” but instead take charge of the situation.  Since he handled it differently than I would, I did not pass GO, did not get two hundred dollars and went straight to the part where he was calling me a sissy or something less than a man.  Here is my friend for nearly twenty years and really has showed me in more ways than one that he cares for me but I felt victimized because of something that he said.  Chances are he was expressing himself and was not attacking me at all but because of my mindset, I took it personally.  Have you had a similar experience?

During this upcoming political season, many friendships will be lost and there will be lots of fights.  The reason for this is unclear except to say that we all want to be right.  Assessment of our current president range from him doing a fantastic job to him being the worst president ever.  How can that be so when all persons sharing an opinion have lived in this country the whole time?  The reason is also simple.  Two people can examine the same data and come up with two completely different ideas of what went on.  Have you witnessed an accident along with another person and then disagreed with what happened?  Of course you have as have I.  Our minds play weird tricks on us in that whatever thought we are or were having tends to find comfort in the very next thought.  And the more thoughts we have had of a certain ilk, the more we will have.  Our minds, that is, our subconscious minds work 100% of the time to validate what we think about a particular thing.  What we think of is our own doing at first, then it happens automatically.  Quantum physics tells us that when we look at something, what we look at changes and that is why we see things so differently. 

I have had talks with folks who say they are being objective and that is not even possible.  Being objective is a card we play when we are masking our own feelings about a particular thing.  But until we can take ourselves completely out of a situation, we can never be objective.  One of the distinctions of business coaching is that of our likely story.  We all have one and it is used to explain away all the disappointments and shortcomings in our lives.  It is often subconscious and we are not present to it.  As you coach your clients, keep in mind their story about coaches and the person you are in general is impacting the effect your coaching has on them.  Make no mistake about it, you are helping them because what you do, they can never do.  The first thing you are doing for them is providing a different view than their own, you are holding them accountable and you are creating a result they could never have without you.  The point of today’s blog is to realize in your practice that everyone wants the best even when it does not look like it.  Your clients may have some resistance to your helping them and you are able to manage that.  Your mindset will determine how you manage to separate you from your own mindset.  If you cannot do that, you will not be as effective a coach as you can be.  That is reason number 1 for having your own coach.  Like your client, you can’t know what you don’t know until you find out.