Coaches' Corner~Forgiveness

Whatever kind of coach you are, business is an important part of it, especially if you are a business coach.  Anything having to do with business is of concern to you and this blog might be a bit of a surprise.  I recently read a blog by a friend, Professor Rosalind Henderson on forgiveness.  She extolled the virtue of forgiveness in one’s business life and I got the gist of it very quickly because I am a forgiveness expert.  I have forgiven some of the cruelest things and not because I am all that but because I aspire to be all that.  It is absolutely impossible to achieve greatness without deciding to forgive all.  And if you have not been hurt, count yourself very fortunate.  I responded to her post and made sure she knew that I stood right beside her in endorsing forgiveness as a lifestyle.  Lest you think that the person you are forgiving is getting away with something, perish the thought because you are only hurting yourself when you choose not to forgive.

In his book, ONE WAY LOVE, Tullian Tchividjian tells an interesting story involving Robert Downey, Jr. and Mel Gibson.  It seems that Mr. Downey was given some sort of award in the movie industry after he spent years hurting a lot of people and avoiding the downward spiral that was his life.  He did drugs, failed miserably as an actor and was a general ne’er do well.  By many accounts, his career was over.  Even when actors or actresses wanted to work with him and when directors and producers did not, insurance companies would not insure any movie that he was in.  As a condition of accepting this award, it was his privilege to choose the person who would present the award to him and he chose Mel Gibson.  This occurred after Downey had finally hit it big in the blockbuster movie know as IronMan.   If you remember during that time, Mel Gibson had had a series of mess-ups all his own.  He had a messy divorce, drunken episodes while driving and even had a tirade of racial epithets insulting Jews and Blacks.  In short, Robert Downey, Jr. had come out of his misery and Mel was just starting his plummet into oblivion for actors.  Many wondered what had got into Downey by having this bum give him the award.  Here is what they didn’t and couldn’t know as Downey gave his acceptance speech for the award after it was presented by Mel Gibson:

            Actually, I asked Mel to present this award to me for a reason, because when I couldn’t get sober, he told me not to give up hope, and he urged me to find my faith—didn’t have to be his or anyone else’s as long as it was rooted in forgiveness.  And I couldn’t get hired, so he cast me in the lead of a movie that was actually developed for him.  And he kept a roof over my head, and he kept food on the table.  And most importantly, he said that if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoings, and if I embraced that part of my soul that was ugly—“hugging the cactus” long enough, I’d become a man of some humility and that my life would take on new meaning.  And I did and it worked.  All he asked in return was that someday I help the next guy in some small way.  It’s reasonable to assume that at the time he didn’t imagine the next guy would be him.  Or that someday was tonight.

            So anyway, on this special occasion…I humbly ask that you join me—unless you are completely without sin (in which case you picked the wrong…industry)—in forgiving my friend his trespasses, offering him the same clean slate you have me, and allowing him to continue his great and ongoing contribution to our collective art without shame.  He’s hugged the cactus long enough.  At that point, the two men hug.

Our clients may not be movie stars but their troubles are just as real.  When we don’t forgive in our own lives, it is that much easier to add to the list of people we don’t forgive.  We can sometimes have a client that reminds us of someone we have not forgiven and become ineffective as far as that client is concerned.  After reading this blog, it should ring in your mind that the saying, “What goes around, comes around” is more than adequate to describe what happened to Mel and Robert.  But even moreso I want you to embrace the fact that you might not always be as well put together as you are now so do me a favor, show a little love…er forgiveness.

Coaches' Corner~Success

Absolutely nothing motivates like success.  This morning is a prime example of this phenomenon.  I only got 3 hours sleep last night and I was up working on some specific technology involving a program called Camtasia.  After installing and reinstalling the program, I finally went to bed and was quite surprised to wake as early as I did without the benefit of an alarm clock.  I dragged myself to my computer thinking of how cumbersome it would be figuring out what the glitch was and I was not too optimistic about its resolution.  I also was quite unmotivated and cross with myself for waking up so early.  The glitch awaited my intervention and I was none too happy about it.  My final attempt at correcting the problem involved system restore and those with a little savvy know what I am talking about.  My computer was restored to an earlier time before I downloaded the upgrade to Camtasia.  So at best, I was digging in for the long haul.  I could have chosen to feel different from what I did and that would be accomplished by thinking something different from what I was thinking as I have just said.  It was my decision to think what I want at any given moment and what I am thinking lead to what I am feeling and the same is true about you and your coaching clients.

Alas, the problem turned out to be solved by the system restore!  As I returned from my home office to my bedroom, I nearly clicked my heels in glee.  I no longer cared that I only got 3 hours sleep. The steps that I took to correct my problem is all but forgotten as I now could go on with my project.  The point is that our thinking is so, so critical in how our lives turn out.  In the hustle and bustle of living, we are constantly inundated with things like our family, our clients' problems, the president and so much milieu, we often get caught up in the activity and our habitual thoughts.  These thoughts do not serve us and it often lead to us blaming something other than ourselves for the state we find ourselves in.  We are usually the blame and we need only to control the way we feel by being vigilant in what thoughts we allow to inhabit our minds.  When we think of difficulties that we face and things we don't want, we do ourselves no favors and we help no one.  One of the most careful things we can do is to think of our successes because nothing motivates like success.  If you do not have a current success, think of a past success.  I am not advocating a head-in-the-sand attitude but I am saying you can always succeed if you think only of success and the things you want.  Whatever you are attempting, you are much more effective if you think of your self as a success.  And you do not actually have to DO something, you simply BE something and that something is someone better.

What you do creates the same effect as a video camera at a party does depending on its focus. Knowing nothing else except what you see on the screen controls your thoughts about what was happening at a video of the party.  Even though what you watch on the video was the only people enjoying themselves at this particular party, you can only react to the part you see on the video.  Treat your mind just like the videographer did when he or she recorded the video.  He pointed the camera exactly at what he wanted you to see and ignored everything else.  Resolve to think success all the time especially when actually in a conversation with your clients.  You do your best work when you have the background of success running in the back of your mind.  When you focus on what you like, you feel better because you think better and the world is a much better place.  My day now starts with be coming from a place of empowerment rather than the guy dragging himself around because he did not get enough sleep.  I choose what I think about and so do you. 

Coaches' Corner`Distinctions

The specific  distinction we will discuss today begins with the use of our likely story.  There are varying degrees of this phenomenon but obesity is the one we are discussing today.  If you or your client is obese, I can guarantee that your likely story is getting in the way of your success.  Consider what the likely story actually is and you can see what I mean.  It is the set of excuses, explanations and reasons why the results you or your client say they want has not materialized.  Many obese individuals say that they are big boned or have slow metabolism that causes them to be fat.  They say that they work so hard and so long and even starve themselves to no avail and yet they remain obese. If you are dealing with obesity, I can tell you that you are not doing your best work and your client is not performing at their best if obesity is their problem.  Much of the time that can be used to develop creativity or get closer to the stated goals in life is spent worrying about things like "Does this make me look fat?" or "Will I be able to button my pants today?"  Whatever else is on your plate so to speak, obesity must not be on it because it wrecks confidence and confidence is the limiting reagent.

One year ago today I tipped the scale at over 300 lbs.  Today I weigh a sleek 240 lbs.  I can confidently say that my life has indeed changed.  As you can see by the photo above, I look like a completely different person!  Surely with all the success teaching we have had, we get it that the way one looks is not really important and we cannot judge a book by its cover, it is undeniable that the way we look impacts the way we feel.  I speak differently now, I coach differently now and the truth is, I would never even attempt coaching because in my mind, I had no business coaching if I could not even control my own appetite.  My being fat and unable to lose weight was only a story and a story that kept me from being who I wanted to be.  As powerful as our subconscious mind is, it can only bring to pass what we consider our likely story and make sure the events and activities in our lives keep it true.  Had I known about the accountability piece associated with success, I would have become accountable long ago and perhaps been farther along my journey to being an extraordinary coach with extraordinary results and clients.  What is your story? If you are obese, I can assure you that your likely story has to do with your weight.

Get an accountability partner and find out about the journey out of obesity.  Ignore the prevailing wisdom concerning weight gain and look better than you used to.  Despite all the hoopla involving diet and exercise, that may not even be the answer.  If you want it bad enough, a solution will surface as it did with me.  Remember that a coach is a person who gets you to do what you don't want to do so you can be who you want to be.  Doing the same for your clients means they cannot be obese.  No matter what else you are doing, if  you are obese, you are putting money into a bag full with holes. When you put the time in, you will get results you cannot even imagine.  When people you value begin to notice your weight loss and say certain things to you, will find emotions you did not even know you had.  Despite the fact that our looks are not that important, you will begin to feel so good about yourself, that your close friends will not be able to tell you any negative thing because you feel so great.  Getting rid of extra weight is a metaphor for your life as well when you realize that there are things or people you have been carrying around in your life that do not serve you.   Weighing less is like having old clothes you have not worn for years on the off chance you will be able to wear them again which you will not.  Resolve to get rid of those old clothes and get back down to fighting weight and you will be much closer to becoming an extraordinary coach.  I am not saying that being obese is right or wrong or even good or bad.  But ask yourself what about it is working for you, what about it is not working for you, what is missing in your life as a result and finally, what is next.   Apply those distinctions first to obesity and then the rest of your life and business and watch yourself soar to new heights.

Coaches' Corner~Free

The free coaching session is a valuable tool available to the coach.  This can be used for a life coach, business coach, marketing coach or any number of disciplines existing in the coaching arena.  This allows a coach and a client to get to know each other and decide if they are a fit or not.  While many alternatives to this is available, the free coaching session is the most widely used way to accomplish this.  My personal favorite is the use of engaging videos on such a large scale that a client can see whether or not they resonate with a specific coach before they even pick up the phone.  A coach can be more effective if less of their time is spent selling their client and more time is spent helping the clients that match their particular style.  Free coaching lands for new coaches as a waste of their valuable time and they are reluctant to give away any of their information to a client without pay.  This attitude is often promoted by certification companies in reverse when they require certain student coaches to have an 80/20 ratio of paid to free clients.  As a new coach with no validation or testimonies to speak of, the question always arises as to how to get paid clients when one has no track record.  Apart from prospective clients wanting to know their money spent on the coach is good money, it is even more crucial that the coach feels they are worth the money they are asking.  Even more so than the free coaching, the idea of "free" in the market place in general is not well understood.

From a business standpoint, there is an attraction for free tools and technologies.  Many people believe that free is better because it is free, that is not the case most of the time.  In fact that is never the case.  The law of the universe is that each and everything has to pay it's way.  You give the ground a seed, it gives you a crop.  You put wood in a fireplace and it gives you heat.  You pay money at a restaurant and you receive food.  Everywhere in nature you can see this principle.  Even animals have to make a contribution to the ecosystem.  A dog is the only animal that does not have to pay it's way except for the love and that's another story or blog.  An exchange of energy is at the root of it all and money, if it is nothing else, is energy.  The world of business follow the seedtime and harvest principle which simply put, is that you reap what you sow.  So for the purpose of this blog, know that before you can get water from a pump, you have the prime the pump.  When I was a boy, I lived in the rural part of the city known as "The Country."  There was an old pump sticking up out in the back yard.  Every morning it was my job to take a bucket of water out to the back yard and pour a little into the top of the pump and start to crank it.  I would try cranking it without putting in the water sometime because I did not want to go all the way back to the house to get more water in the bucket.  But it was always necessary to pour water into the top of the pump before cranking it would give me water.

The idea of getting something for nothing is another concept it is up to coaches to make real for their clients.  As clients begin to understand this, the idea becomes more prevalent in the marketplace and less and less people look for free stuff.  I stress this because it is a new revolution for me and I have been doing business for years.  We want to be paid for our service but we are reluctant to pay for the services of others.  The idea of looking for a deal in every instance while at the same time keeping your money in your pocket is a losing proposition.  Everyone speaks of how important mindset is but when you tend to treat your own resources as though they are your last, they will always be your last.  Money is not owned by anyone but it is the control of money that we enjoy.  It is called currency for a reason and that reason is that it moves.  Helping your clients understand that faith in more gives them the freedom that is needed to spend or invest money with the expectation.  A reluctance to use the money in your control might also be an indication of a lack of confidence in your ability to make more.  It is not a big jump to also realize that this may be due to an inferior product in your mind.  If you are not sold on your product or service, it will manifest as a lack of confidence to make money.  Help your clients realize that it is not a matter of whether or not they are going to spend money for their business but more of a matter of how they will spend.  An unwillingness to spend your hard-earned cash by the bucketful forever limits your ability to make it by the bucketful.

Finally, it this is to change, it is the coaches that will do it.  Reading it here is a start.  Learning it in a seminar is also good.  But to keep this uppermost in your mind until it becomes second nature requires regular reinforcement.  And whether you are a coach or a busines-owner, this can best be accomplished by an accountability partner like a coach.

Coaches' Corner~Network Marketing

If you're like me, and chances are good that you are since you are reading this, you are familiar with the variations of pitches that are included to make networking marketing and attraction option.  Your clients are also being inundated with business opportunities that use the networking marketing platform.  No doubt you have heard that by age 65 most Americans will be "dead, broke or still working."  You have heard that 97% of Americans do not achieve the American dream and that corporate America is also a pyramid with the CEO atop it and that the smart money is on being atop your own pyramid.  Many of these approaches are time-worn and no longer effective.  When you are coaching your clients, some of these concepts will have to be managed for your client to succeed in their business.  There are other strategies that are even older than network marketing that are ineffective and believe it or not some of them are still effective.  You may need some imaginative ways of making this plain to your clients.

If you have not had a network marketing experience to write home about, you, as a coach, may be blaming anything from your lousy market to your upline to even criticizing yourself for not being aggressive enough.  Take a moment or two and consider some of the ideas presented in this blog and adopt those that resonate with you.  The truth is that there is a concept that cream always rises to the top.  No matter what industry you choose, there is only a small percentage of the people that excel in it.  If you are familiar with the 80/20 rule, you know that only a few people provide the success of anything.  20 percent of the people in your organization are responsible for 80% of the productivity.  In fact 20% of the activity that you do in your business account for 80% of the success you enjoy.  Plainly and simply 20% of your conscious thought amount to 80% of the action you take.  Coaching your clients through their failures and disappointments  requires skill negotiation of the thin string between the two extremes.

In short, your clients must understand that there is no such thing as a free lunch.  There is no elevator to success....you must take the stairs.  You will not get to a place where your results are instantaneous and energy is always needed to produce energy.  There must always be a seedtime and harvest strategy in operation no matter what your business is.  The way to succeed in network marketing coaching is to make your client aware that the startup costs of most network marketing companies can be misleading.  You absolutely must be able to sustain yourself until your business takes off.  The secret of network marketing is to have a network that believes in you and follows the simple instructions for most companies.  If you do not achieve phenomenal success in your first few days of a network marketing company, then it becomes your job to find people that actually have a market that has a use for your product.  No business succeeds without some investment and that investment can be dollars or energy of some kind.  Coaching your clients along this continuum can be daunting considering what they are being told by people already in the company.  The folks in the company have already drunk the kool-ade and want everyone else to drink it too so they might not be the place to get the most reliable information.

Coaches' Corner~Racism

Like all other human beings, coaches tend to believe what they have always believed.  I have heard a quote that states, "To them that believe, proof is unnecessary and to them that do not believe, proof is impossible."  The statement is irrefutable in that you can find instances of this being true quite easily and when you find instances of it not being true, you prove the statement.  This statement goes a long way towards eliminating arguments and disagreements among people and is a cornerstone of creating change in clients.  You see, the reason the statement is true is due to our tendency to believe our likely story.  Our likely story is a set of beliefs and excuses we use to explain away failures and allows us to continue believing what we want whether it serves us or not.  Good coaches help us get to a place where we can trade our likely story for better results.  But it does not stop there because it is very easy to forget the hard work we do with our clients when the emotional part of the story rears its ugly head.

How many times have you been talking with someone and confront them with facts that you find so telling, you are willing to label the person seeing them as just plain stupid for not agreeing with you? I shudder to use the word stupid but I wish to make a point here.  The truth is that you are just the same and have been confronted with facts that make the person showing them to you think that you are stupid.  My bestie often reminds me of my tendency to this when he says to me, "Don't confuse me with the facts."  I am always brought back to reality when he says that.  I often speak of the right-wrong, good-bad paradigm in this blog and for good reason.  To effect lasting change, your clients cannot be helped by telling them they are either right or wrong about their story.  the more appropriate question is to find out, What's working?  What's not working?  What's missing?  What's next?  These are non-toxic questions and more helpful than telling them who is right or wrong.  The coach who does not do this run the risk of creating temporary change and gets in the way of their becoming an extraordinary coach.  You may find yourself at odds with your clients from time to time but that is not necessarily something that does not work.  Clients who are truly seeking improvement understand the necessity for the occasional breakdown before a significant breakthrough.  Keeping in mind that the client is of prime concern and that means this line of improvement can sometimes be thought of as medicine.  As a child, I was given the most vile of preparations called 666 tonic that was the nastiest substance I have ever put in my mouth.  That is probably where the idea that those numbers belonged to the devil came from.  As horrible as it was, it got me back to 100% lightning fast.  That was a good lesson from my parents.

This blog concept was brought to me today as I viewed a video extolling the virtues of complying with the requests of the police.  This blog is not political but it does seek to equip coaches to better assist their clients.  Perhaps there is a coach this will speak to and create a breakthrough regarding their own likely story.  This video lasted more than 6 minutes and I watched the whole thing.  It went on about the necessity to act sensibly when faced with a person who has a gun whether he is a policeman or not.  The speaker made a case for eliminating the need for the officer to help you with your self-esteem.  He believes that racism is not responsible and actually proved it by showing a clip of violence in a subway station when one black person was stabbing another black person to death and the person taking the video and all the other people in the station stood around watching and did nothing.  The speaker validated my own assertion that it is not the police who are a danger to black people but black people themselves are more of a danger.  Before I continue, I point out that you are hearing my story now.  None of it is true but it is a story nonetheless.  What could I be without my story? What could the believers of the opposite of my story be if they got rid of their story?  A synonymous way to state a story is to call it a "take."  And no matter what your take is ask yourself, "What's working, What's not working, What's missing, and what's next?"  You will find it easier and easier to eliminate your take in a situation that does not serve you.  And as always, consider that your clients are struggling with the same things.  

Coaches' Corner~Dreams

Despite the best efforts, some coaches cannot seem to take their clients where they want to go.  The universal creed of coaches is to have their clients "do something they don't want to do so that they can become someone they want to be."  A degree of clairvoyance is sometimes helpful in doing this just as a knowledge of deep cravings that everyone has.  By knowing our own craving, we are able to identify the cravings of others.  The client may not even be in touch with their own cravings as the reason they have not achieved what they say they desire.  Apart from the craving to be liked, the craving to succeed and the craving to know one's purpose, I was recently made present to another craving and even found out it's source.  I am talking about the craving to accomplish our dream that is given to every human being by the DreamGiver.  Like a computer program playing in the background, the client's dream is always present though sometimes dormant.

I recently read a book you may have read called, "The Dream Giver."  The main character is a guy called Ordinary who live in a town called Familiar.  The other characters in the book were referred to by their characteristics rather than their names.  There was Nobody, Border Bullies, Giants in the Land and Anybody.  The story centers around Ordinary who awoke one morning to a yearning deep in his heart known as his "Big Dream" that would not go away.  His name was no accident as the author wanted to make the point that most of us live ordinary lives and did not have to.  The obstacles that exist as we deal with our own dreams are many but they are surmountable.  It is a story of victory and had just the right amount of obstacles and encouragement to make the protagonist a winner.  Even if you have not accomplished your own dream, you can help your client accomplish theirs by asking a few simple questions.  What is your first memory of life?  What are you good at that is easy for you to do?  How do you view God?  These questions ought to be asked early in the coaching relationship.  Assuming that your client has already seen videos of you and has decided that they resonate with you, you need only to assess your ability to help them.  Once you have done that, you are free to engage them and speak to their inner craving and relate it to their business goals or other goals in other areas.

Asking directly about a client's goal can sometime yield nothing at all.  Some of the time the client is embarrassed about their goal and even worse, they are embarrassed because they don't know.  So don't expect an immediate answer.  When you don't get an answer is the time to remember some of the distinctions of coaching.  A client will not tell you something they are embarrassed about without skillful intervention by you.  I can remember flunking out of Morehouse College my first year and attended another college afterward.  It was years before I could utter the words, "flunk out" in connection with what happened to me.  Since I had a conditional scholarship, the most non-toxic response I gave for why I wasn't going to Morehouse was that I could not keep a B average which I needed in order to keep my scholarship money coming.  Your client may have some shame associated with this dream thing so be sure to institute  your assessment without the right-wrong, good-bad paradigm.  If you are not familiar with the word, there is probably more you need to know about coaching and that is an example of an assessment outside of the good-bad, right-wrong paradigm.

Speaking to the "Big Dream" craving in your client can only improve the results they are getting.  The book, THE DREAM GIVER,  was a good read and has changed the way I coach.  It may do the same for you.  Perhaps your versio of this book has a character named, "Extraordinary" as a result of your client having an "Extraordinary" coach.